A Journey of Awakening

Once upon a time, I had a fairy tale romance. I met a man that pursued me. He was charming, charismatic, had a beautiful heart, and invited me into his lavish lifestyle. We fell deeply for each other in a love we both felt was healthy at the time. He spoiled me. He gave me endless gifts. He took me around the world, jet setting for a majority of our relationship. He spoiled me with vegan meals three times a day, buying me all the clothes and accessories that I desired, always insisting that he paid for everything. It was one of the most beautiful times of my life, like a dream, encompassing all I could ever ask for and more… so I thought.

It was not until his bank account began dwindling when issues began to surface. We were not bringing in the money that we were spending. We were circulating more energy on the output than the input. He was not actively working as we were living off of a pension from his families company that had been sold. I was not financially stable myself, having just ended a two year long solo pilgrimage around the world while living mainly off-grid on sustainable communities.

So there we were, abundantly living in our own self created dream. We toured the world visiting sacred sites, eating the most delicious meals, pampered ourselves to healing modalities, wellness retreats and more . . . all at the expense of this pension. At twenty-three years old, I was his co-pilot and he was my rock. I was often times wearing the captains hat, taking the lead due to my previous globetrotting experiences of flying solo, already mastering the ropes of being a world-traveling gypsy. However, this is beyond the point. We went through his pension effortlessly in a little over a year. It was only when we were on our last several thousand dollars when tension began to rise. I had become so codependent on his finances, when I started realizing how disempowered I truly was. It was hard to see at the time in the midst of it all that the foundation we had built together was created on an unstable platform. Over many moments of reflection, I see how our relationship was birthed off of an unconscious "hunt and chase" dynamic from the get-go. I allowed him to pursue me in this way, tempted by the glamorous lifestyle and a charming smile, eventually surrendering my heart to him.

The money was dwindling, and I began seeing fractures in our relationship. I saw where we had built a connection so fragile, that every time he felt scarcity and fear enter his field (mainly around finances), he would push me away. This would hurt me deeply as I felt he could not commit to moving through the challenges together. The communication became fragmented and the trust was dissolving. Eventually, the rug was pulled out from under our feet of a "fairy tale” that we had co-created.

This is when the reality of it all hit me like a freight train. What I had believed to be a healthy relationship, a dream come true, was actually built on a foundation of instability, codependency and insecurity. I began seeing how he used his finances as a form of power, masking a deep subconscious wound around the feminine which ultimately built subtle control dynamics. This formed a codependent cord and a sense of ownership over me. I then could see he never truly met me in the ways that I craved. I longed for security beyond the money . . . a knowing that we could trust each other to show up in full transparency and support even when times got tough.

This relationship was about three years long, striking the last chord when we both could not take it any longer. The lack of trust and blocks of communication became too much to bear, and the environment fell rancid. Toxic. My heart was broken. I was left hurt and confused . . . painfully holding the fragmented pieces to put back together again. Slowly, over many hours, months and years of self reflection, that is what I did. One by one, I picked up the broken pieces. I began analyzing them, gaining more and more awareness on where I went wrong in that particular relationship as well as many other relationships in the past. My personal experiences became my subject of dissection, uncovering many groundbreaking truths. Over time, I began weaving the parts back together with the golden thread of my newfound conscious awareness on how to develop healthy interdependent relationships. What was once a fragile and broken heart was then unified again, more resilient than ever before.

Codependency is a common dynamic in most relationships. It has been programmed into our psyche since childhood. A majority of the cultures around the world operate on codependent dynamics, many of which are designed to keep the feminine suppressed. The whole notion of the rise of the feminine is tied into the architecture of our behavioral patterns passed down through the generations. When I say feminine, I mean the feminine archetype within all beings, not necessarily meaning female as we all posses masculine and feminine traits. For example, when I am taking initiative or taking “the lead,” that is myself operating from my masculine. When I surrender in trust, that is myself operating in my feminine. Nowadays, these patterns are slowly yet surely transcending. As we awaken into a new paradigm, these subtleties and dynamics like codependency are rising into the limelight, ready to be transmuted. Codependency is almost entirely based on unconscious behavior. As our consciousness shifts, we are becoming more embodied in our sovereignty with our independent self and interdependent relationships, dancing together in synergy.

We are complex and multidimensional beings that operate on many different planes of awareness. We oscillate between unconscious, conscious and subconscious behavioral patterns. As we develop more awareness within our relationship to ourself, we are more capable in meeting others from a conscious place. Many of these patterns are unconscious and embedded within our collective subconscious. When we begin consciously meeting ourself and others is when we can begin unlocking outdated subconscious programming. Bringing more awareness to our own behavioral patterns will transcend these conditions that have likely been created in our early years of childhood and within our own family lineage.

To form any healthy relationship is to build a base upon transparent communication and trust. First, within our relationship to ourself, then reflecting outward unto all relations; as within, so without. When the pathway of communication is clouded with blockages of fear is when we will be more challenged in sharing our truth in authentic transparency. What I have learned is that one must be clear within any relationship to be committed to growing through the blockages together, no matter how hard. This does not mean one should stay in a toxic relationship. This means that both individuals are so committed to doing the inner work to meet each other in a symbiotic path of growth and interdependence. If one person is looping in cycles of wounding that create blocks in their communication, then it will be more challenging for the other to continue progressing in their own journey of awakening. This ultimately creates stagnancy within ones life and prevents growth. These unconscious patterns were the death of my three year long relationship.

I am grateful for the journeys with this individual. I am grateful for all of these lessons that have shaped me in becoming a fully sovereign independent woman while meeting my relationships with transparent and authentic interdependence. I now see how the constructs that we have grown up with have formed our view of ideal relationships, and how far from the truth we have been led. The constructs that the man takes care of the woman, the woman stays at home, births children and slaves away for the needs of the family, misguides the woman to never fully claim her own role of empowerment in the process. These days are coming to an end as we create wholeness and unification within ourselves. Us women are far more than laborers to the chains of societal constructs. We are brilliance and beauty embodied. We are here to rise to any occasion; to unify our inner masculine with our feminine, to share our gifts, and bear life itself in the process.

Over the last several years, I feel I have grown tremendously in regards to consciously relating to myself and others. The experiences of my past have sharpened my awareness and intuitive skills on how to detect unhealthy dynamics prematurely so they do not manifest in destructive behaviors in my relationships. I continue to do the inner work to build the most resilient foundation within myself for whatever curve ball life throws my way. Now I stand upon not just a rug, but a magic carpet that has been consciously woven with each experience and energy exchange. It is a cosmic tapestry that belongs to the Self at large. It is a relic of consciousness that can never be destroyed by an outside force. It is regenerative unto itself.

I am blessed to have met my current partner who has helped guide me in building an empowering and synergistic relationship. Together, we birth magical moments that are supportive to each others independent journeys. We trust each other deeply because we trust ourselves deeply. We have created streamlined pathways of communication and transmutation, consciously meeting each moment. He is someone who never sought after me but instead allowed an organic connection to unfold like a thousand petalled lotus flower. I have attracted a partner I can share absolutely anything with, without fear or judgement. Most importantly, I have a best friend who is there for me beyond any constructs of separation. To me, this is true family. This is beyond any romanticized fantasy and instead a grounded emanation of what we want to create in the world; sovereign, sustainable, and free of societal constructs. I give thanks to all of my relations that helped mold me into the divine embodiment I am today. The journey is infinite, and I am honored to share these lessons with you all. <3